iOS7: The Ultimate Catfish

Welp. I got Catfished.


That’s what it feels like, at least. Apple’s big shiny redesigned iOS7 came out yesterday, and let’s just say, I haven’t been this angry at a coming out since Jodie Foster oozed out of the closet during her weirdo Golden Globe speech.

iOS7 is like a boy. A beautiful, beautiful boy. He has big arms. He wears tank tops a lot. He goes to The Abbey. He smells nice and has a 30 inch waist.

And then he opens his mouth and you’re like WHOA DUMB YOU ARE DUMB SO SO DUMB JUST DUMB.

In a bid to revitalize itself, Apple redesigned its iOS and in the process changed things that did NOT need to be changed. Was it an oversight? Did they just miss it? Did they take out their spacers and forget to put them back in and then the holes closed up? WHAT WAS IT?!?!

And the changes are the dumbest little things, too. Like Tap to Tweet.


Why get rid of that? It was so handy! Especially when you’ve had a few cocktails and need to tell people about your opinion on parking tickets in a quick and timeless manner. Now you have to open Twitter. Dumb.

Or Spotlight Search.


It was so convenient. Just swipe to the left and you could search Google or Wikipedia and find out how many calories are in a chicken breast. Sure, they still have Spotlight, but it only searches your phone. Who needs that? I need Google. Now you have to ask Siri or open Safari. Dumb.

Remember when you could double-click from the lock screen and play your iPod?

click to play

Not anymore. Now you have to click and then swipe up and then find the play button and then press play.

swipe up

The old way was easy to do without looking, so you could do it while driving and get away with it. Now you have to look at it. Dumb.

The dumbest redesign is the email app. Before, you could swipe to the right and delete an email.

old swipe

NOW? YOU HAVE TO SWIPE TO THE LEFT! !@#$%^&*&^%$#@!@#$%^&*&^%$#@!@#$%^&&&^%$#@@!!@#$%%^&!!!!

new swipe

What?!?! We’ve been swiping to the right for five years and now we have to swipe to the left? Dumb. DUMB.

And the most annoying redesign is the calendar. Before, you could click on a day and see all your events listed underneath.


Now, you click on the day and you have to scroll through every hour of the day to see what events are happening.

new calendar

Literally, ain’t nobody got time for that. Dumb. Annoying dumb. Fireworks.

Of course, these are all just disgusting first-world problems and I hate myself for caring about any of them and I should really take a long hard look at my life choices and reconsider things. But still, if I had met iOS7 on Grindr, he’d totally get a Block after our first date. And I’d definitely avoid him at parties. Great to look at, though. He’s like the Reichen of operating systems.

6 thoughts on “iOS7: The Ultimate Catfish

  1. I am really loving this blog. Not only do we trash-talk about celebs and interesting observations from Team Gay Pimp, we now get tech reviews. However, I as much am enjoying the blogs, I am be seriously jonsing for a new podcast. I need to hear my internet friends’ beautiful voices. They’re good, jaunty company while I’m doin’ stuff.

  2. Pingback: Friday Finds – Random Findings | My Two Cents

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