Mattel has unveiled the new Jennifer Lopez Barbie, and at this very moment Latin Queens across the land are surely spraying themselves DOWN with Glow, lighting candles on their JLo as Guadalupe ofrendas, and placing frantic bids on eBay through gold tinted aviators.
I mean…. This is serious business people. Barbie Queens do no fuck around and JLo Queens most CERTAINLY do not fuck around. I hope your daughter or niece or little sister isn’t hoping for Santa to bring her one of these for Christmas because it is not going to happen. Santa is a gay man, he was born in the Bronx, he LOVES Jennifer Lopez, he has an EXTENSIVE doll collection, and he is going to need EVERY LAST ONE.
Why does Santa need every last JLo Barbie in existence, you ask????
He needs two to keep in the original packaging behind locked gallery glass, two to play red carpet with—- and the rest he will outfit in the original, scaled down, exact replica, Jennifer Lopez costumes that he’s been creating in his spare time since 1997, DUH!!!!
So, yeah…. you’re not getting the JLo Barbie.
Maybe…. MAYBE you’ll get the Adam Lambert Barbie… if you’re lucky.
**WAIT!!!! THERE’S AN ADAM LAMBERT BARBIE?!?!?!?!? FUCK! WHAT?!?!**