Thanksgiving Wishes From @DrunkInaGarten

Dear Peasants,
Although I don’t care to relive that debacle, I admit that I graced a program called #ThanksgivingLIVE with my presence this past weekend. It was a clusterfuck starring yours truly and my FRIENDS: Frowny-Face, Mad Scientist, and Italian Talking Bobblehead.


The show OPENED with me sipping a glass of wine. *Sips wine.* I suppose such is the verisimilitude of LIVE television. I’ve avoided hosting this show with these peasants for SEVERAL years now. But Food Network BEGGED me to appear this year because my FRIEND Southern Racist was recently fired.

As such, we needed another “older lady” to replace her (aka GIADA) and someone to replace GIADA as “the sexy one” (aka ME).

Although I hate to leave my kingdom, The HAMPTONS, I knew the situation was dire. If I turned down the invitation for the umpteeth time, they’d have to have relied on some frontier bitch. I suggested my FRIEND Nigella, but she’s been having legal trouble lately. And if things got really desperate, they’d have had to invite that obnoxious man with the platinum hair… or even K-Mart-Homemade. Who’d want to watch THAT?

If you didn’t watch this show – I certainly DID NOT – you can check my feed on the twitter for all the relevant tweets that JEFFREY retweeted while I drank cocktails and smashed candy turkeys on live television. I found the entire exercise a bit boring considering that dress rehearsal was the EXACT SAME THING. (Rehearsal is for peasants. *Sips wine.*) Despite such practice, a dear FRIEND of mine made a damn fool of herself on TV, so out of pity, I sliced her finger with my ninja-like knife skills. She had to leave set for half an hour. (See, I DO answer your prayers.)

In retrospect, I am so glad that Food Network didn’t follow my suggestion to call the program #barefootLIVE or #FOOLPROOFthanksgiving. I would’ve been MORTIFIED to brand that disaster with my trademarks. Also the set decorations were horrible and made me miss my gays (i.e. YOU readers).

This brings to me a very SPECIAL announcement. Because I have so much to be THANKFUL for (e.g. my barefoot mansion, my vast wealth, my JEFFREY, etc),

I will be selecting some of YOUR tweets to reply to and RT this Thanksgiving! I figured it would be a good way to give YOU something to be THANKFUL for (i.e. me).

So use this hashtag #ThanksgivingLIVEfromtheHAMPTONS this Thursday, and perhaps you will be blessed enough for me to acknowledge your existence.

I hope your holidays are #FOOLPROOF,


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