Trailer Of Tears: The New Annie Remake Trailer Is Out And It’s Worse Than We Thought

We all new this movie was going to be bad the second we heard Willow Smith was set to star. The Smith kids apparently had a plan to kill the memory of every great 80s movie. But then we heard that Willow was out and Quvenzhané Wallis was in, and we were like “Oh! Okay! That’s cunt! Maybe we can get behind this!”

But then Cameron Diaz booked Miss Hannigan.

“YOU HAVE LOST ME TODAY WITH THAT CASTING.” – a thing I said while throwing up my arms and closing my macbook.

Photos from the set were leaked. Stories of heads-butting arose. Nothing really surprised us. We knew this movie would bomb.

And then the trailer came out today.

And all I can say is:

FUCK YOU ASSHOLE PEOPLE

We knew it was going to be bad. We knew it would never come close to the original. We knew this. We knew all these things.

But it’s still Annie and the music is still there and they had a perfectly good frame to build on!

Somehow, those asshole dickfaces managed to royally fuck it up. It literally looks like garbage. It looks like a sweaty pile of New York City trash that’s missed its pickup and has been sitting on the corner for two weeks in the summer. They ruined it. It’s dead.

Really? They traded Carol Burnett for Cameron Diaz? Seriously? Someone thought that was a solid choice?

And Rose Byrne for Ann Reinking? Don’t get me wrong. I love Rose Byrne. I’ll love Rose Byrne til the cows come home. But she’s no Ann Reinking. Did anyone actually watch the original movie?

And Quvenzhané looks like a cunt. There. I said it. The Onion was right last year. That’s how she comes off. I’m sorry THAT I’M NOT SORRY.

I have a feeling the word “sassy” was thrown around this set a lot. Sorry, Director Will Gluck, you can’t base a movie on the word “sassy” and get away with it. You’re clocked. I SEE YOU BITCH.

Here’s the clip if you haven’t seen it yet. Be careful. It might kill your childhood. I’m actually sorry for bringing this into your life. I apologize for this. It can’t be unseen. Just do me a favor. Don’t let Hollywood win this one.

Trailer of Tears: The Annie Remake Trailer Is Out And It’s Worse Than We All Expected

We all new this movie was going to be bad the second we heard Willow Smith was set to star. The Smith kids apparently had a plan to kill the memory of every great 80s movie. But then we heard that Willow was out and Quvenzhané Wallis was in, and we were like “Oh! Okay! That’s cunt! Maybe we can get behind this!”

But then Cameron Diaz booked Miss Hannigan.

“YOU HAVE LOST ME TODAY WITH THAT CASTING.” – a thing I said while throwing up my arms and closing my macbook.

Photos from the set were leaked. Stories of heads-butting arose. Nothing really surprised us. We knew this movie would bomb.

And then the trailer came out today.

And all I can say is:

FUCK YOU ASSHOLE PEOPLE

We knew it was going to be bad. We knew it would never come close to the original. We knew this. We knew all these things.

But it’s still Annie and the music is still there and they had a perfectly good frame to build on!

Somehow, those asshole dickfaces managed to royally fuck it up. It literally looks like garbage. It looks like a sweaty pile of New York City trash that’s missed its pickup and has been sitting on the corner for two weeks in the summer. They ruined it. It’s dead.

Really? They traded Carol Burnett for Cameron Diaz? Seriously? Someone thought that was a solid choice?

And Rose Byrne for Ann Reinking? Don’t get me wrong. I love Rose Byrne. I’ll love Rose Byrne til the cows come home. But she’s no Ann Reinking. Did anyone actually watch the original movie?

And Quvenzhané looks like a cunt. There. I said it. The Onion was right last year. That’s how she comes off. I’m sorry THAT I’M NOT SORRY.

I have a feeling the word “sassy” was thrown around this set a lot. Sorry, Director Will Gluck, you can’t base a movie on the word “sassy” and get away with it. You’re clocked. I SEE YOU BITCH.

Here’s the clip if you haven’t seen it yet. Be careful. It might kill your childhood. I’m actually sorry for bringing this into your life. I apologize for this. It can’t be unseen. Just do me a favor. Don’t let Hollywood win this one.

Patti Labelle Is The Christmas Gift That Keeps On Giving!

Hi, if you’re not covered in goosebumps and bawling by the end of this, you’re a dead person. You’re literally dead, buried in the ground, no longer living. This performance is the reason for the season. Thank you, Gay Jesus. You are risen.

Have You Had Your Panic Attack Today? I Give You TROPICO!

Well, here it is! The much anticipated drug dream short film from America’s Favorite 100% Natural-lipped pop star Lana Del Rey. To be fair, I love Lana and all of her music, but after watching TROPICO, I need a hug. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to eat some pizza and watch Home Alone and NOT THINK ABOUT THE ALBINO FOR THE REST OF THE WEEKEND.

This Anderson Cooper Giggling Megamix Is Guaranteed To Cure Your Case Of The Mondays!

Ugh, gurl. It is Monday. Again. Goddammit. Why do they keep happening?! Nobody likes them. They should take the hint and beat it. But since we have to deal with them, we might as well have this amazing megamix of Anderson Cooper giggling. It’s not the sex tape we’ve praying for, but it’s legit the next best thing. Seriously. Turn your volume up, press play, and watch your Mondays fade away.

YOU’RE WELCOME.