We all new this movie was going to be bad the second we heard Willow Smith was set to star. The Smith kids apparently had a plan to kill the memory of every great 80s movie. But then we heard that Willow was out and Quvenzhané Wallis was in, and we were like “Oh! Okay! That’s cunt! Maybe we can get behind this!”
But then Cameron Diaz booked Miss Hannigan.
“YOU HAVE LOST ME TODAY WITH THAT CASTING.” – a thing I said while throwing up my arms and closing my macbook.
Photos from the set were leaked. Stories of heads-butting arose. Nothing really surprised us. We knew this movie would bomb.
And then the trailer came out today.
And all I can say is:
FUCK YOU ASSHOLE PEOPLE
We knew it was going to be bad. We knew it would never come close to the original. We knew this. We knew all these things.
But it’s still Annie and the music is still there and they had a perfectly good frame to build on!
Somehow, those asshole dickfaces managed to royally fuck it up. It literally looks like garbage. It looks like a sweaty pile of New York City trash that’s missed its pickup and has been sitting on the corner for two weeks in the summer. They ruined it. It’s dead.
Really? They traded Carol Burnett for Cameron Diaz? Seriously? Someone thought that was a solid choice?
And Rose Byrne for Ann Reinking? Don’t get me wrong. I love Rose Byrne. I’ll love Rose Byrne til the cows come home. But she’s no Ann Reinking. Did anyone actually watch the original movie?
And Quvenzhané looks like a cunt. There. I said it. The Onion was right last year. That’s how she comes off. I’m sorry THAT I’M NOT SORRY.
I have a feeling the word “sassy” was thrown around this set a lot. Sorry, Director Will Gluck, you can’t base a movie on the word “sassy” and get away with it. You’re clocked. I SEE YOU BITCH.
Here’s the clip if you haven’t seen it yet. Be careful. It might kill your childhood. I’m actually sorry for bringing this into your life. I apologize for this. It can’t be unseen. Just do me a favor. Don’t let Hollywood win this one.