Dave Holmes’ Twitter Avatar is HAVING IT ALL!

a709b2642881b0024acd62878af5c249Dave Holmes’ new Twitter avatar is HAVING IT ALL!!! Okay, maybe it’s not new, but it’s new to me.  I haven’t thought about Dave Holmes in a HOT minute.  In my mind he still looks like this:

3_5_holmesI know that he’s worked consistently since ranking second place in Mtv’s I Wanna Be a VJ contest, I vaguely even remember him coming out of the closet a few years back (**HOORAY!**), and I’m totally aware that he’s built quite a career for himself in the entertainment industry… I just… haven’t been paying attention I guess. **Big mistake. HUGE.- Dave Holmes to me**

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Dave.          You look good, Dave.           Really good, Dave.          “Host an entertainment news show on network TV” good, Dave. Whatever it is you’re doing… don’t stop. Contractually bind yourself to the fitness trainer, photographer, hairstylist, and lighting team that you’ve been working with to take these photos; hire a good “dermatologist” and freeze time now. THIS. IS. IT. FOR. YOU. You look rich, fit, smart, and handsome. In fact….. I would like to sleep with you, Dave Holmes. I didn’t expect to ever write those words in 2013, but here we are. I know that you’re in a relationship with Ben Wise and I’m totally cool with that…. He never- has- to know…..slut Say…. while we’re in Wanna Be a VJ land, let’s check in with the Twitter avatars of the three actual winners of yesteryear’s greatest televised casting call:

Jesse Camp

Unknown

Winner: 1998

Twitter Followers: 0

 Jesse Camp is not on Twitter. He’s keeping busy and he is not dead. That’s really all we can ask for. (I’ll save you the Google search. Here he is in 2013 at some event):

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    ***

Thalia DaCosta

91974b8b4ac423ecc8ee36b3ca78458fWinner: 1999

Twitter Followers: 12

Biiiiiiitch, that is a Viacom press kit picture from fourteen years ago AND YOU KNOW ITAlso, TWELVE FOLLOWERS?!?!?! Even if you’re some sort of Catfish Advert Robot you should have more than twelve followers, am I right???

Thalia is working behind the scenes or something. I don’t care, I never liked her.

***

Ray Munns

raymondWinner: 2000

Twitter Followers: 126

I have no memory of this man AT ALL. **Sorry, bro.**

Ray is apparently a DJ though, and he holds the distinction of being Mtv’s first ever half Korean VJ, so there’s that…

Nowadays he spends his time rescuing dogs. **AAAAWWWWWW! Cute….**

BUT HIS TWITTER AVATAR IS STILL NOT AS GOOD AS DAVE HOLMES!!!!!

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Runner-Up: 1998

Twitter Followers: 43,673

DAVE HOLMES WINS EVERYTHING!!!!!!

I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH A GORILLA. ASAP.

Julie and I watched the VMAs at Jonny’s house. He made Barefoot Contessa lasagna and we drank wine.

We talked shit about celebrities and we mused about GaGa’s subtle (and beautiful) face work. The night ended as any other night and we all went our separate ways.

I thought everything was normal until hours went by and all I could think about was having sex. With a primate. Thanks to Bruno Mars.

 

His live performance at the VMAs made me want to have straight sex with a straight gorilla.

 

 

But the official video for the song makes me want to have gay sex with a gay gorilla.

 

 

I can’t decide which one I want more (or first) but this gorilla will be mine. And until it is- I will watch both of these youtube videos every day. 5 times a day.

Sexoxoxo,
Brandy